Who Am I?

I think I've already touched on my (potential) answer to this largely unanswerable question in the WebCT discussion forum. On my blog(s), I am the proud owner of a fixed identity. I have very specific interests that I discuss. Nobody can doubt that I like to drink, put together crazy outfits, and write fiction. I'll play up to this, and even perform it to a certain degree.

Look at it this way. When you complete a profile for Blogger, Facebook, or any social networking site, you set up this identity you will endeavour to assume until you delete your profile. Whether you are actually aware of this at the time or not.

In creative writing classes we are taught that the more contradictions a character has (and calling myself a character in the blogging realm is very appropriate here), the more complex and therefore interesting they are. As it is a new audience that I am addressing, I feel the need to provide an exposition of my life, and my preferred online identity. Hence, my Blogger profile.

So, sometimes when I'm in a strange mood I like to view things I've written and analyse them as if I had never encountered the words, let alone given birth to them.

I am looking at this girl's blogger profile. She's 21, from Perth, and seems a bit quirky. Oh, yes, definitely quirky. What's with her response to the scarf question? She likes dressing up in costumes and fairy tales, yet reads highbrow literature? Young at heart. In her profile image she is baking pink cupcakes, wearing a pastel-hued dress.

What does any of this really say about her?

Hers isn't like one of those profiles that feature scrupulous lists. Every band whose CD you have ever listened to. Whatever the last 20 films you remember seeing and enjoying. All your favourite books. On the profile edit page there are fields where you can enter what music, movies and books you like. She has only filled out books, and vaguely.

Well, I read more than Nabokov. I rarely actually read fairy tales, I collect pretty editions of them though. I've been purposefully evasive.

Why?

In real life, my identity is totally fluid.

I know something can either be fluid, or not. There is no such thing as 'fluider' or 'fluidest'. The debatable existence of terms aside, I think my self changes with alarming frequency unknown to others. My identity is ultrafluid. Oh yes.

I wake up some days and I hate the things I loved yesterday. I move on from relationships, interests and projects at a startling rate. Contradiction is my middle name. I already have two middle names. It's getting crowded in there.

So in reality, I am a most complex and intriguing character. I used to be ashamed of how quickly I changed. One of my friends used to take joy in pointing out how I'd go back on my opinions.

When Lily Allen first rose to fame. I told everybody that I wanted to kill her. Her music sucked, her face was downright hideous, etc. Then I heard that she was touring and all of a sudden I was in tears because I would be in London while she was in Perth. I wanted to see Lily! I even named my new black kitten Lily. My family thought I was being ironic. Lilies are white, get it? Ha, ha. Only I knew that it was a tribute to Lily Allen's black hair.

When I got back from the trip, I wasn't interested in hearing about how the concert had been. It wasn't a return of my initial, irrational hatred. I just didn't care anymore. I never listened to Lily again. I kept the cat though.

My friend cites this occurrence every time I claim to dislike a musician (or anything). He, and others, might see my constantly altering viewpoint as weakness of character. I argue that I show integrity by admitting that I've changed my mind. A weak person would pipe down and pretend to keeping hating Lily, or whatever, forever.

I don't classify who I am by the things I like for this reason. Many people do. Instead, I know my self by my characteristics. I'm unpredictable. I'm fiercely loyal to people I love. I'm overly sensitive, and very emotional.

Depending on how, or on what physical grounds, you define identity, mine can be fluid or fixed. My online self is very much stable, stating her loves and hates in ways I wouldn't bother doing in offline life. Strictly because it's too much of a headache to literally stand around explaining to people my feelings on certain British pop singers.

My blog self is a solid mass. A representation of the person I sometimes wish I was. Clear, strong, witty.

My nonblog self is a mess. But I like being this way. That's why I keep it to myself and stay evasive. My self, my true self anyway, is too special to share in such a public sphere.